Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
