I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
