Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
