I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
