And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
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