haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
