i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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