I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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