Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
