did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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