I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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