I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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