i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Randomize
