I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
