I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
