At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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