I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
