I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
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