haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
