i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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