Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
