I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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