What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
