It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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