I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
