Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
