my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I look better un-naked...
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
