all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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