Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
