I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
