Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
