I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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