She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
