the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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