I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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