if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
