watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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