I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
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