Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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