sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
