lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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