Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
