I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
