Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
