sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Randomize
