i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
