thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
