I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
