I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
