I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
