New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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