The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
