Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
